Setting Boundaries With Your Mom and Mother-in-Law After Baby

We often don’t realize just how much we struggle with setting boundaries until we become moms. Before we have children, people might not feel as entitled to our time. They might not give us unsolicited advice, show up unannounced, or insert themselves into our daily lives. 

But once we become moms, that seems to change. Even during pregnancy, people bombard us with advice, touch our bodies without asking, and make assumptions about postpartum visits. 

And when this continues after we have a baby, it becomes clear very quickly that we need to set boundaries—especially with in-laws or our family members. 

However, in a society that raises women to be people-pleasers, and consistently puts moms last, how do we even start setting boundaries? How do we overcome the fears and discomfort? And how can we maintain strong relationships even when setting boundaries with in-laws or family? 

This week on The Momwell Podcast, I’m joined by Dr. Ream, founder of Psyched Mommy, to talk about the importance of setting boundaries with in-laws and family—and how we can start learning to set them in a clear and productive way. 

Why Setting Boundaries with In-Laws and Family is Hard

The issue of boundaries often comes to the surface in motherhood when we experience our own parents, or our in-laws, interacting with our children. Motherhood has a way of bringing up our own childhood struggles. 

We start to look back at our upbringing through a different lens—and even when we can empathize with our parents and the lack of resources they might have had, we often feel pain from the way we were raised. 

We want to protect our children from that same pain—and we want to carve out a path for ourselves and our families. 

At the same time, if we have a relationship with our family members, we don’t want to jeopardize that. It can feel like setting boundaries is a criticism or an attack on our in-laws or family members. We might be afraid to be seen as controlling, selfish, or entitled. 

We can find ourselves in an awkward position, wanting to set boundaries but not wanting to rock the boat. 

Dr. Ream said that we might want to focus on how to “soften the blow” or present things in a pleasant way to maintain the peace. But really, boundary setting is much more about us not having a firm grasp on our non-negotiables and our tolerance level than it is about the people we set boundaries with. 

We have to build tolerance for healthy conflict and uncomfortable emotions.

That’s why the real work of boundary setting is internal. We have to build tolerance for healthy conflict and uncomfortable emotions. It’s less about the dynamic with other people and more about what goes on for us when we struggle to set a boundary. 

Overcoming Our Fear of Setting Boundaries with In-laws and Family

One of the first steps to take in boundary setting is asking ourselves why we feel so fearful of it. We might have been conditioned to put our own needs aside or take care of everyone else. Or maybe we learned that conflict is always bad and unhealthy. 

We tell ourselves stories about what will happen or how other people will respond to our boundaries. But we should be focusing on our own emotional tolerance instead. Dr. Ream said that boundary setting is not going to feel good at first—but the alternative is worse.

Boundary setting is not going to feel good at first—but the alternative is worse. 

When we live a boundaryless life, we might find ourselves repeating painful patterns or situations over and over again. 

We might tell ourselves that if we just don’t say anything, if we don’t rock the boat or create conflict, then everything will be fine. But it doesn’t work like that. When we don’t set boundaries, we still have an internal experience—we didn’t express our feelings, we didn’t prioritize our needs, and we weren’t heard or validated.  We wanted to avoid rocking the boat, but our own boat is rocking. 

Boundaries are how we make sure our needs get met. When we try to overlook that, it finds a way of surfacing, often as passive-aggressiveness, or resentment—and that can have a worse negative long-term impact on our relationships than the momentary discomfort of setting a boundary. 

Why Setting Boundaries with In-laws and Family is Important

Boundary setting is self-care. It’s a declaration that you are important—that you value yourself and your needs. Setting boundaries with in-laws and family members isn’t disrespectful or entitled. It’s important for our well-being—and it’s also part of having a healthy relationship in the long run. 

When people in our lives do things we don’t like, it feels like a deliberate violation. But there’s a difference between a boundary error and a boundary violation. When we aren’t clear with our boundaries, people make errors—they don’t know they’ve hurt us or that we aren’t comfortable. 

Boundaries are like guardrails, letting people know how to navigate a relationship with us.

Dr. Ream said that boundaries are like guardrails, letting people know how to navigate a relationship with us. Most of the time, people aren’t trying to harm us or make us uncomfortable. But without clear boundaries, they don’t know when they’re overstepping. 

Boundary setting provides clarity and tells people how we want to be treated. And in any healthy relationship, that’s a good thing. It can even lead to deeper conversations, more understanding, and more connection. 

How to Start Setting Boundaries with In-Laws and Family

Sometimes the best place to start with setting boundaries is by building up our comfort in small, tolerable ways instead of diving right into bigger issues. 

Start with a small boundary every day—you’ll become more comfortable over time. 

Dr. Ream recommends starting with a small boundary every day—this can be in any area of your life or with any person. Maybe you have your child sit beside you instead of in your lap when you’re feeling touched out. Or maybe you turn down a request. Starting slow and small can help you become more comfortable setting bigger boundaries over time. 

It’s also important to recognize our own thought traps and stories we tell ourselves when it comes to boundaries. If we find ourselves spiraling or thinking about the negative reaction we’re going to encounter, we can take a step back and realize that might not be the case. 

We might set a boundary with an in-law or family member that they accept happily right off the bat. We can’t control the reactions of other people, but we can keep ourselves from assuming the worst possible outcome is inevitable. 

Scripts for Setting Boundaries with In-laws and Family Members

We can also practice go-to scripts that help us communicate our boundaries. It’s best to keep these clear, straightforward, and simple—we often think we’re being clear about our boundaries when we’re really sidestepping the issue or being vague. 

We often think we’re being clear about boundaries when we’re really sidestepping the issue. 

Some example scripts might include:

• We don’t talk about weight or bodies in front of the kids. 
• I’m glad that’s what works for you and your family. We’re choosing to do things this way because it works for our family.
• I’m not open to discussing our parenting style anymore. 
• We are so excited for you to join us for the birthday party. I just want to let you know that we aren’t accepting any gifts this year. 
• We’re so happy to have you come over. We wanted to let you know that we want all visitors to wash their hands before holding the baby. 
• We don’t want any toys this year. But if you’d like to bring a gift, how about a book or clothes?

Boundary scripts don’t have to feel harsh or punitive. Simple, clear, and neutral is the way to go. If you want to explain more about the why behind your boundary, you can. (Sometimes family members truly don’t know the why behind things like not forcing hugs or not discussing weight in front of the kids.) But you also aren’t obligated to do so—you get to decide on the boundaries for yourself and your family.

Remember that boundaries aren’t about telling other people what to do—they are about stating what you will or will not accept. Focusing on “I” or “we” can help people understand that you aren’t attacking or criticizing them.