WHAT YOU’LL LEARN

• Why Friendships Are Hard for Moms (Especially Post-Pandemic)
• Reasons Friends are Important (Especially to Moms)
• Social Identity Support: The Key to Long-term Friendships
• The Roles that Our Friends Play in Our Lives
• “Social Spheres” and Different Levels of Friendships
• How to Look at Friendships Differently

Navigating Friendships in Motherhood: Why Making Mom Friends Feels so Hard

Maintaining friendships after becoming a mom can be hard. We often don’t expect our friendships to change so drastically, but it can feel like they transform overnight. 

Between the invisible load, less available time, and transforming identity, it’s hard to know where our friendships fit in, let alone what’s reasonable to expect from our friends. We often feel distant, even from people who were important in our lives before having kids. 

Before we have kids, friendships often feel like they come naturally. It’s easier to communicate, spend time together, and show up for each other. But once we’re in the thick of motherhood, it can feel overwhelming and exhausting to maintain friendships. 

Even “mom friends” we make at playdates or groups can feel forced and surface level, leaving us wondering how we can even facilitate more meaningful relationships. Moms often end up feeling alone, abandoned, and isolated. 

But friendships are important—and that doesn’t change after having children. 

This week on The Momwell Podcast, I’m joined by author Anna Goldfarb to discuss the way friendships change over time and how to navigate friendships as a mom. 

Why Friendships Are Hard for Moms (Especially Post-Pandemic)

Anna found herself drawn to researching and writing about friendships when she realized how much her friendships started changing after she got married. She began focusing on the way our friendships change over time and how we can take steps to maintain quality friendships even as our lives change. 

Anna said that identifying the different types of friendships and the roles friends play can help us understand how our relationships evolve. She said that there are two primary types of friendships—active and memorial. 

Active friends are the ones we see regularly—people we connect with through shared routines and daily life. Memorial friends are those from previous chapters of life (high school friends, former coworkers, college roommates, etc.) These are the friends we text occasionally, catch up with during big life events, or message every now and then to reminisce.

Friendships naturally evolve as we move through life’s stages, sometimes fading or growing stronger. But for many moms, the shifts feel more complicated and difficult to manage. Motherhood can be all-consuming and overwhelming—and friendships can struggle because of it. 

We might feel as though our lives are centered around our kids—and that we don’t have time to focus on our personal lives or prioritize our friendships. Even when we do find time for ourselves, we might be too exhausted to reach out and connect with friends. 

This has been a reality for many moms in recent years. But the pandemic made it even more extreme. Suddenly, we were at home, unable to even stay connected with those in our immediate circle. Playdates, casual chats during school drop-offs—the little things that kept moms going were off the table for many people. 

Digital communication can help, but it isn’t a substitute for actually being together.

Anna said that digital communication can help us keep in touch, but it isn’t a substitute for actually being together. There are things about in-person connection that can’t be replaced, like shared laughter, eye contact, and active listening. 

Reasons Friends are Important (Especially to Moms)

Between the invisible load of motherhood, the rise in anxiety, and the way the pandemic impacted so many of us (often leaving us without the stamina to keep putting effort into friendships), it’s easy to understand why many moms feel lonelier than ever. 

The more responsibilities you juggle, the easier it becomes to push friendships lower down your list of priorities. The irony is, these relationships are often the very thing that moms need, offering emotional support and a reminder that they’re not alone.

So, how do we go about building new friendships, or maintaining the ones we have that might have faded away over time? 

One of the ways is to start thinking about how and why friendships are made in the first place. Anna said that research has identified five reasons people make friends:

• Career
• Mating
• Emotional Support
• Hobbies and passions
• Sociability

It’s also important to think about why we need friends—especially as our lives change. Anna pointed out that friendships are about sharing our lives and being there for one another. 

What often happens is that as we enter long-term romantic relationships or have babies, our and even our identities change. It can be hard to make time for connection or give emotional support to others when we feel like we’re drowning in the day to day of motherhood. 

It’s no longer as simple as grabbing our keys and heading out for a fun night. Now, there’s a constant juggle, mom guilt, needing to find a babysitter—even one outing can feel overwhelming. 

Communication can help friendships survive life changes and evolve over time. 

Anna pointed out that in these situations, we might need to “renegotiate” our friendships, openly communicating about what we can give, what we can’t give, how we can offer support, and what we need from the friendships. 

We aren’t conditioned to do this—to communicate about our friendships. But Anna encourages everyone to check in with their friends, asking, “What's important to you right now? How can I help?” Communication can help friendships survive life changes and evolve over time. 

Social Identity Support: The Key to Long-term Friendships

Anna said that research can highlight other ways to maintain friendships throughout those big life shifts. There was a study conducted by Carolyn Weiss to identify what features predicted whether friends would stay close over the years. 

Friends who practiced “social identity support” were more likely to remain friends. Social identity support means seeing your friend for all of the roles that they play, taking an interest in those things, and supporting your friends in those things. 

For example, this might look like purposely planning budget-friendly activities when you know a friend is struggling financially or trying to incorporate a new interest of a friend into what you do together. 

Social identity support means growing with your friends and adapting friendships. 

In other words, social identity support means growing with your friends and adapting friendships to support each other. This becomes very important when life becomes overwhelming—moms need friends who practice social identity support. 

That might look like forgiving us for canceling a coffee date because one of the kids woke up with the flu or understanding when we can’t make girls’ night because a babysitter fell through. It’s not just patience—it’s meeting us where we are. 

When we (and our friends) practice social identity support, we can incorporate friends and motherhood together. Maybe we go grocery shopping together so we can catch up while getting things done. Or we video chat while catching up on laundry. 

Our friendships can stay strong if everyone supports life changes and commits to staying connected even when our relationship shifts. 

The Roles that Our Friends Play in Our Lives

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It’s also important to remember that we can’t expect our friends to be our entire support system. We’re designed to live in communities, and in communities, no one person fills all roles. It’s the same for our friendships. 

Anna pointed to the eight roles identified by Tom Rath in the book Vital Friends as a way we can look at friendships. Those roles are:

• Builder: Someone who motivates you to do more or accomplish things
• Champion: The cheerleader who roots for you
• Collaborator: A friend with shared interests who you can do projects or attend activities with
• Companion: The “best friend” who you have a deeper relationship and commitment with
• Connector: Someone who excels at connecting other friends and can help you expand your social circle
• Energizer: The ones who always pick you up and makes you feel better
• The Mind Opener: Someone who shares interesting articles with you or helps you see things in a new way
• The Navigator: The one who gives you advice and helps you work through tough situations

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Understanding these roles and thinking about our friendships can help us look at them differently. Maybe a friend isn’t being unsupportive—they just fill a different role in our lives. 

Anna pointed out that many people seem to think affection should be enough to keep a friendship rolling indefinitely into the future—but that’s usually not the case. 

Thinking about the roles that our friends play can help us understand why we want to invest in certain friendships. It can also help us navigate conflicts, accept changes, see our friends for who they are, and fulfill friendship roles for them without stretching ourselves too thin. 

“Social Spheres” and Different Levels of Friendships

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Just as there are different roles our friends play, there are also different levels of depth, or “social spheres” that can help us think about the people in our lives in a new way. 

Anna said that our best friend is our “bathtub” friends—the ones we can trust and confide in. Then, there’s jacuzzi friends—our support group. These are the three to five next closest friends. 

Casual friendships are like a swimming pool. This might consist of co-workers who we discuss our lives with but rarely see outside work. Anna said these 10-15 acquaintances are sympathy friends because we are close enough to be genuinely saddened if they died. 

Then there are water park friends—the 150 or so acquaintances we would maybe invite to weddings or funerals are our water park friends.

We aren’t obligated to offer the same level of emotional support to everyone in our lives

If we think about where our friendships fit into these social spheres we can understand our relationships more and be intentional about where we invest our time, who we listen to, and where we can try to build stronger connections. 

Not everyone has to be the friend we ask for advice from or the friend whose opinion we truly value. And that also means we aren’t obligated to offer the same level of emotional support to everyone in our lives. 

Thinking about where our relationships sit can help us show up as the friends we want to be and invest in the friendships that matter the most. 

How to Look at Friendships Differently

Anna said that if we find ourselves feeling isolated or struggling with our friendships, looking at them differently can be the first step to changing things. 

She said that maintaining friendships in a digital world can be like going to the grocery store when you’re starving. You start grabbing whatever looks good—chips, candy, a random box of crackers, maybe even some ice cream. You’re just running on craving mode, tossing it all into the cart. Then you check out, get home, and realize, How am I supposed to make a real meal out of all these snacks?

Maintaining friendships in a digital world is like going to the grocery store when you’re starving.

That’s how it can feel with our friends. We see other moms at the pick-up line and we think maybe we should try to create a friendship. We look at social media and we think, “Oh I should reach out to these people.” We connect with people in online groups and wonder if we should try to build friendships there. 

It can feel like we’re being torn in so many different directions—few of which lead to actual strong, valuable relationships. 

Anna said that the question people often ask is, “How can I make more friends.” But maybe the question should really be, “How can I recommit to a few deep friendships in my life?” She pointed out that research shows 3-5 close friendships are all we need to feel supported and experience the emotional and physical benefits of connection.

Anna believes we need a mindset shift around friendship. Instead of trying to maintain ties everywhere, focus on curating a circle that fits your current life. She also recommends pouring your energy into being the kind of friend you’d want—thoughtful, reliable, and present. From there, we can deepen the relationships that matter. 

Struggling with isolation and loneliness in motherhood? Working with a mom therapist can help! Book a free 15 minute consult today. 

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