WHAT YOU’LL LEARN

• How Modern Society Creates Loneliness in Motherhood
• The Importance of Communication and Connection Between Partners
• What “Feeling Unseen” Means (and How it Leads to Loneliness in Motherhood)
• How Gender Roles and the Invisible Load Contribute to Loneliness in Motherhood
• How to Openly Communicate about Needs, Loneliness, and Feeling Unseen
• The Value of Strong Support Systems and Relationships

A shocking number of moms feel unseen, invisible, and unappreciated, contributing to an epidemic of loneliness in motherhood. We’re mothering without a village, navigating an online world, experiencing social media—all things that previous generations of moms didn’t go through. And we’re navigating all of that while juggling the invisible load and the pressure to be and do it all. 

But it isn’t just society that makes us feel unseen. Within our partnerships, we struggle with resentment over becoming the default parent and frustration over feeling unacknowledged. 

And even within our friendships and family relationships, we can experience a true lack of connection that leaves us feeling lost and lonely. 

Navigating this isolation isn’t easy—and it can take a toll on our relationship satisfaction, happiness, and mental health. 

This week on The Momwell Podcast, I’m joined by psychologist Dr. Jody Carrington, author of Feeling Unseen, to discuss what causes loneliness in motherhood and how we can communicate, create change, advocate for our needs, and stop feeling unseen and invisible.

How Modern Society Creates Loneliness in Motherhood

It’s no secret that in the modern world, where we’re more “connected” than ever, mental health is struggling. Anxiety and depression rates are at an all-time high. 60% of the general population regularly feel lonely. And for parents, it’s even more extreme—66% report feeling frequently lonely or isolated. 

Dr. Jody believes we’re in a loneliness epidemic. She started her podcast, Unlonely, to give listeners strategies to build connections and break away from the isolation we often feel stuck in. 

Moms often feel disconnected from their partners, their family members, their co-workers, and even their close friends. But with “friends” right at our fingertips, why do we feel so isolated? 

Dr. Jody pointed out that technology is a big part of the problem. While it offers plenty of benefits, it also keeps us tethered to too many things, tasks, and to-dos. 

We’re accessible from the moment we wake up, to late in the night. Before we even go to the bathroom or see our children in the morning, we check emails, texts, social media—and get hit with the neverending list of work reminders, things we need to get done, and horror stories on the news. 

And when we try to “relax” at the end of the day we remember things we need to research, emails that need to be sent, birthday presents that need to be ordered—it never ends. 

When that level of accessibility is combined with the unrealistic pressures and expectations modern moms face, it can be overwhelming. We’re in a constant state of multi-tasking and mental labor—anticipating everyone’s needs, remembering all the things that need to be done, and trying to break cycles in the process. 

It’s no wonder that it’s so hard to just turn down the noise and feel connected. 

It’s no wonder that it’s so hard to just turn down the noise and feel connected—we’re carrying so much stress it can feel impossible. 

How Feeling “Unseen” Leads to Loneliness in Motherhood

So what happens when we’re juggling all of these things and trying to meet everyone’s expectations? We feel like we can never be enough. 

We’re isolated, even though we’re rarely alone. We lose ourselves, unable to maintain who we are while we sacrifice our time and mental energy for everyone else around us. We’re pulled in a thousand different directions and rarely feel like we’re accomplishing enough. 

Even though it seems like the weight of the world is on our shoulders, we still feel unseen. 

And even though it seems like the weight of the household is on our shoulders, it also feels like we’re unseen, unvalued, and unappreciated—by our partners and by society. According to Peanut’s State of Invisibility, 75% of moms feel invisible and 94% feel unseen or unacknowledged. 

We might feel unseen by our partners as we struggle with identity loss, carrying the mental and emotional load, while their lives appear to be unchanged. We might feel unseen by our workplaces and employers who expect us to show up 100% even though we’re conditioned to think we “should” be devoting all of our energy and time to our children. And we might feel unseen by society that constantly tells us to be and do more. 

To ease these feelings of invisibility and isolation, we might turn to online friends, forums, and groups. While online communities can be used as a tool for connection, they don't measure up to true face to face connection. And if the groups are not a healthy environment can even have a negative impact on our mental health. We might face judgment and shaming online—often when we most need acceptance and understanding. 

All of these pieces are like kindling, fueling a fire of invisibility—loneliness in motherhood can become our daily experience. 

Gender Roles, the Invisible Load, and Loneliness in Motherhood

One of the biggest factors that often leaves moms feeling unseen and unappreciated is the distribution of the invisible load. Moms overwhelmingly bear the brunt of mental and emotional labor in the home—and they often carry the bulk of the physical, visible household tasks as well. 

Historically, moms carried this labor while their partners worked outside of the home. But now, most homes are made of two breadwinners. And yet moms are still carrying this labor. 

This largely happens because of gender norms—social expectations related to gender that we might not even realize we’re carrying. 

Different-sex couples often fall into traditional gender roles without ever intending to. 

Different-sex couples often fall into traditional gender roles without ever intending to. It feels as if it becomes defaulted to us automatically. This can leave us feeling unappreciated and unvalued—or even resentful and angry. 

But our partners might not realize that this is happening. They likely haven’t been conditioned to see this labor, let alone take responsibility for it—and they aren’t carrying the same pressures (or judgment and shame that come along with them) as we are. 

That’s why communicating about the mental and emotional load in the home is important. If we want to stop feeling invisible and unseen, we need our partners to see and value this labor.

The Importance of Communication and Connection Between Partners

When we don’t communicate about the invisible load, our needs, or our feelings of isolation and loneliness, it’s easy to fall into patterns of resentment and relationship conflict. We might withdraw from each other and stop communicating altogether—or we might find ourselves repeating the same old arguments. 

But we often don’t realize what these struggles are really about—that our emotional needs aren’t being met. For a secure attachment in any relationship, we need to feel safe, secure, seen, and soothed. 

And when we’re overwhelmed by labor and unable to find time to spend together, let alone to truly communicate, those pieces often fall by the wayside. 

Dr. Jody pointed out there’s a difference between accessibility and maintaining a deep relationship. We often feel that we just aren’t on the same team as our partners—it’s difficult for couples to work together if they each feel isolated.

Empathy is the antidote to burnout—and acknowledgment is the superpower of support. 

When resentment and unresolved conflict fester, we often lose sight of the other person’s needs. But Dr. Jody said it’s critical that couples come together. Neither can feel empathy for the other if they are both feeling alienated. 

She said one of the most important ways for couples to start rebuilding connection is through mutual empathy and acknowledgment: empathy is the antidote to burnout—and acknowledgment is the superpower of support. 

Sometimes the tiniest moments of acknowledgment make all the difference—a pat on the back, a hug, or a simple verbal appreciation can make us feel so much more seen and connected. This can be the beginning of getting back on the same team—seeing challenges like the invisible load as something to work through together. 

The Value of Strong Support Systems and Relationships

Partners aren’t the only source of feeling “seen.” We can create strong support systems that can help us feel acknowledged, appreciated, and connected. 

We were never made to parent in silos—with parents who are trying to navigate work and an unprecedented amount of mental labor. We were always supposed to raise children in a village. 

We were always supposed to raise children in a village. 

But now, the “nuclear” family has become more isolated. Many of us are disconnected or physically distant from our families—and the expectation is that we “should” handle all of the labor on our own. 

In reality, though, that’s unsustainable. When we create a strong support system of friends, family members, supportive caregivers, or other community members, our children benefit from multiple strong attachments—and we feel less alone and unseen. 

Reaching out to friends—even ones you haven’t seen or connected with in a while—can start to create a supportive circle. Regular friendship rituals, such as weekly check-ins (even if they’re virtual), can reduce the mental load involved and help create a sense of support and connection. 

Outsourcing care work wherever possible can also help. It’s valuable to create a support system—not just to help with childcare and other household labor, but also to help us maintain an identity outside of our motherhood role. 

Being able to exist as whole human beings—not just a one-dimensional image of motherhood—can help us feel truly seen and connected. 

If you’re struggling with feeling unseen, unappreciated, or disconnected in motherhood or with your partner, working with a mom therapist can help! Book a FREE 15 minute consult today. 

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