WHAT YOU’LL LEARN

• Why Moms Struggle to Stay Regulated
• The Three Types of Emotional Dysregulation
• Unrealistic Expectations About Emotional Regulation Skills
• The Concerns Moms Have About Not Being Able to Regulate
• A Practical Framework for Stronger Emotional Regulation Skills
• The Real Goal of Building Emotional Regulation Skills

When I reach out to my community to ask about struggles, fears, or hopes for the future, I often hear a common theme—a desire to build emotional regulation skills. 

Many of us are committed to breaking cycles. But when we find ourselves struggling to stay regulated, losing control, or yelling, we wonder if we’re failing. 

We might fear that our children will remember us as angry moms or that we’re going to cause trauma because we can’t regulate. But often the more that we worry about it, and the more pressure we put on ourselves, the more we find ourselves struggling. 

And while it’s admirable to want to break patterns and parent in a different way, it’s also important to maintain realistic expectations, practice self-compassion, and accept that we’re never going to be perfect. 

Developing our own emotional regulation skills isn’t something that happens overnight. It takes a lot of work, learning, and unlearning. The more awareness we can build about what triggers our dysregulation and how it shows up for us, the better we can become at responding and regulating our emotions. 

This week on The Momwell Podcast, I’m joined by clinical psychologist Dr. Amber Thornton, host of Dr. Amber’s Know and Grow Podcast, to discuss how we can strengthen our emotional regulation skills and the importance of setting realistic expectations. 

Why Moms Struggle to Stay Regulated

Many moms are blindsided when they find themselves becoming dysregulated or triggered. But the truth is that modern motherhood creates the perfect storm for emotional dysregulation. 

The day-to-day pressures, lack of support systems, and the constant demand to be present can make it incredibly difficult for mothers to maintain emotional equilibrium.

Motherhood has a way of bringing up our past struggles, childhood wounds, and unresolved traumas. If we were raised in a household with yelling or one where we were discouraged from showing our emotions, we often find ourselves defaulting into patterns we were taught. 

When we combine that resurfacing of the past with an intense mental and emotional load and the pressure to do an unreasonable amount of labor, we’re often left overwhelmed, overworked, and overstimulated, paving the way for dysregulation. 

Many moms who rarely experienced rage or lost control of their emotions might find it shocking or frightening to feel angry or dysregulated. And if they have never had to build emotional regulation skills before, they might not know what to do, especially in chaotic, stressful parenting moments. 

Dr. Amber experienced overstimulation and emotional overwhelm after becoming a mom. She’d always been fascinated by emotional regulation, but when she witnessed this struggle first-hand, she decided to specialize in maternal mental health. 

She pointed out that we often have a lack of self-compassion for ourselves in emotional moments. We envision ourselves as kind and nurturing moms, and when we struggle to embody that ideal image, we wonder if there’s something wrong with us. 

It’s not just about quick fixes—it’s also about creating a more sustainable lifestyle. 

We might want to learn how to “stay calm” or silence our emotions so that we can become that “peaceful mom” we envision. 

But it’s important to build awareness, not just of emotional regulation skills, but of all the factors that play into dysregulation in the first place. It’s not just about quick fixes—it’s also about creating a more sustainable lifestyle. 

The Three Types of Emotional Dysregulation

Dysregulation doesn’t look the same for everyone, and it can manifest in many different ways. Dr. Amber pointed out that we often think of it in terms of “emotional regulation,” but it actually goes beyond that. 

She defines regulation as a state of harmony, a feeling of balance and being in control, able to respond to the situation at hand. When we’re dysregulated, we’re not able to manage ourselves and we feel out of control. 

When we’re dysregulated, we’re not able to manage ourselves and we feel out of control. 

Dr. Amber breaks dysregulation down into three distinct categories—emotional, cognitive, and physical. 

Emotional Dysregulation

When we feel emotionally regulated, we might feel content, calm, and non-reactive. But when we are emotionally dysregulated, we often experience intense feelings or emotions and an inability to cope, recenter, or rebalance. 

Cognitive Dysregulation

This can feel like many rapid thoughts coming into our brains, or an inability to focus because our mind is shifting in many directions. When we are cognitively dysregulated, we might be unable to quiet or calm our minds—it can feel like we can’t get control over what we’re thinking and what’s happening in our brain. 

Physical Dysregulation

This might feel like overstimulation, such as being touched out or experiencing sensory overload from noise, mess, or external triggers. It can also feel like being unable to calm down or relax. We might find ourselves feeling like we need to move or being unable to grasp or control how we feel in our bodies.

There can be a lot of overlap between these forms of dysregulation. For example, we might experience anxiety more in our bodies, resulting in tension, headaches, or a clenched feeling in our stomachs. 

Dysregulation might surface externally, through losing our cool or yelling. But it can also be harsh internal self-criticism. 

We might experience dysregulation more in one form or another depending on our individual brains, the stage of life we’re in, and the circumstances at hand. Dr. Amber said that it’s important to build awareness of all forms and to develop regulation skills that can address the emotional, physical, and cognitive. 

Unrealistic Expectations About Emotional Regulation Skills

Societal expectations often place an unrealistic burden on mothers to be perfect and nurturing at all times. There's a pervasive myth that good mothers should always be calm, composed, and in control of their emotions. 

Dr. Amber pointed out that these expectations are not only unrealistic but also harmful. As a society, we’re focusing more on emotional well-being and mental health, which is a great thing. More platforms and influencers are talking about emotional regulation skills and teaching tips that can be valuable. 

But we can’t expect ourselves to ever stay fully regulated all the time. We can’t believe that we should be constantly “on” and never show signs of an emotional struggle. 

No matter how many emotional regulation skills we build, we will all have moments of dysregulation. 

No matter how many emotional regulation skills we build, no matter how many tools we have in our toolbox, no matter how much self-work we have done, we will all have moments of dysregulation. 

We can’t reach a state of constant “calmness” or expect ourselves to always be able to emotionally regulate. 

What we can do is build the skills, do the work, and extend self-compassion to ourselves, knowing that emotions and dysregulation are part of the human experience. 

The Concerns Moms Have About Not Being Able to Regulate

Many mothers worry about the impact of their emotional dysregulation on their children and their parenting abilities. Through the course of her research for A Parent’s Guide to Self-Regulation, Dr. Amber surveyed many moms to identify their top concerns. 

The five common fears that came up were:

• Feeling inadequate as a parent: Many moms start to doubt their abilities and lose confidence in themselves when they experience dysregulation. 
• Setting a bad example for their children: They might fear that their children will carry on the pattern of dysregulation and struggle with their emotions. 
• Repeating negative patterns from their childhood: They might wonder if they are falling into cycles they wanted to break. 
• Not being able to learn regulation skills: Sometimes the concept of learning new emotional regulation skills can feel overwhelming, especially in the throes of the invisible load. 
• Causing lasting harm: The most profound fear moms often express is that moments of dysregulation will cause lasting negative impacts on their children and family relationships. 

These concerns come from a good place—we want to do better, break cycles, and show up as the moms we want to be. But they also surface from unrealistic expectations and pressure to be perfect. 

It’s important to remember that we can never be perfect—and that moments of dysregulation don’t invalidate everything else that we do.

Dr. Amber said that rather than being consumed by these concerns, we can reframe them so we can move forward, creating a more supportive environment for ourselves and building the emotional regulation skills we want to embody. 

We aren’t broken or flawed because we experience dysregulation. 

It’s helpful to have these conversations openly, to discuss our fears and our struggles, and to know that we are not alone. We aren’t broken or flawed because we experience dysregulation. Developing, practicing, and modeling these skills is an ongoing process. 

A Practical Framework for Stronger Emotional Regulation Skills

Dr. Amber teaches the PCR method, a practical framework to help mothers develop stronger emotional regulation skills. PCR stands for Practical, Conscious, and Realistic.

Practical

The practical piece involves looking at our lives and what’s contributing to dysregulation. We can’t just build skills to manage our emotions if we don’t spend time understanding why we’re becoming dysregulated in the first place. 

Dr. Amber said that everything from sleep, nutrition, to daily routines have an impact on our ability to regulate. 

There might be bigger concerns at play, such as postpartum depression or other mental health concerns. These can make it much more difficult to self-regulate. 

When we identify the triggers that we are experiencing, we can address them. We can seek treatment for mental health concerns, create plans to protect our sleep, or make changes within our routine and environment that can help. 

Dr. Amber said it’s also very important to be realistic. There are some seasons of life that are taxing and demanding. For example, we might not be able to achieve a full night’s sleep in the postpartum period or take plenty of time for ourselves when our children are very little. 

We can be realistic about the stage of life we are in and work within it to do what we can and make even small changes that can offer more support for ourselves. 

Conscious

In this step, Dr. Amber encourages moms to turn inward and explore our emotional needs. We might take a look at our own unresolved issues from the past and consider how and why they are surfacing. 

She said this step is particularly powerful if we have experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect in our own childhood. 

Our unmet emotional needs are often a major factor in dysregulation. When we can identify and start to meet these needs, heal, and address the core root of our dysregulation, we can start to create shifts. 

Dr. Amber said that this step often involves re-parenting or meeting ourselves where we needed someone when we were young. 

For example, if you didn’t have someone present and comforting at bedtime in your childhood, you might find yourself getting emotionally triggered at bedtime every day. Addressing your own grief and healing can help you work through it. 

Realistic

The final step emphasize the importance of setting realistic expectations. We’re never going to “heal” to a point of no longer needing self-reflection or growth. We’re never going to learn away our emotions or always be able to regulate. 

Instead of holding ourselves to unrealistic extremes, we can embrace our humanity.

We can create radical acceptance for ourselves, knowing that there will always be challenging moments and that perfection is unattainable. Instead of holding ourselves to unrealistic extremes, we can embrace our humanity.

The Real Goal of Building Emotional Regulation Skills

The ultimate goal of developing emotional regulation skills is not to achieve perfection but to foster a healthy, enduring relationship with your children. 

Dr. Amber believes that the focus should be on cultivating a connection with our child that can withstand the ups and downs of life. That doesn’t mean being perfect. It doesn’t mean never showing our emotions. 

Emotional regulation is a journey, not a destination.

It means understanding that mistakes will happen, and that there is always room for repair and reconnection. When we focus on these instead of perfection, we give our children room to grow, to make their own mistakes, and to know that it is okay to be imperfect. 

It’s important for us to stay aware, build the skills that we are working toward, and remember that that emotional regulation is a journey, not a destination. 

If you are are struggling to build emotional regulation skills, working with a mom therapist can help! Book a FREE 15 minute virtual consult today.