What You'll Learn

• Why Women are Stressed (and Why Doctors Don’t Take It Seriously)
• Human Giver Syndrome and How It Paves the Way for Stressed Moms
• How Stressed Moms Can Start to Break Away From Social Expectations
• Internal and External Stress Factors Moms Face
• How Getting Stuck in the “Stress Cycle” Keeps Moms in an Activated State
• How Moms Can Break Out of the Stress Cycle

It sometimes feels like we’re living in the stressed mom era—I often hear from clients or moms online that it seems like they are in a constant state of tension and worry. 

It isn’t hard to understand why moms are so stressed. We’re shouldering the invisible load of motherhood, parenting with pressure to do all the things all the time, and living with the idea that every decision we make is high-stakes. 

Transitions, time crunches, and endless to-dos leave us feeling like we’re always activated, even if we’re not in full-blown fight-or-flight mode. And because we often feel that taking time for ourselves is impossible (or that’s it’s selfish to even want to), our bodies don’t get a chance to recharge. 

But what we often don’t realize is that our feelings, our well-being, and our bodies are all interconnected—and if we don’t find ways to break out of the stress cycle, it takes a toll on us. 

It isn’t healthy to try to muddle through life in a constant state of activation—and accepting “stressed mom” status as part of motherhood doesn’t benefit our children. 

We don’t have to accept stress as our default state of being. When we can learn how stress shows up in our bodies, what our triggers are, and how to break away from the stress cycle we are trapped in, we can improve our well-being and show up the way we want for our children and for ourselves. 

Today, I’m joined by Amelia Nagoski, co-author of Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, to discuss how our society sets moms up to be stressed, why it leads to burnout, and how moms can break out of the stress cycle. 

Why Women are Stressed (and Why Doctors Don’t Take It Seriously)

Like so many women, Amelia found herself frustrated with the medical system after being dismissed by doctors. After a high-stress situation put her in the hospital with pain and inflammation, she was told that there wasn’t anything wrong with her—it was “just stress.” 

Amelia and her sister Emily became fascinated by the way that women everywhere seemed to be experiencing massive amounts of stress and burnout, and yet weren’t being taken seriously. When Emily published a book on sexuality, she was fascinated by how many women resonated with a tiny snippet about the way stress can impact both women’s sexual and overall well-being. 

This ultimately led them down the path of writing Burnout and shining a light on the way stress is impacting women, and the role that society plays. 

This is something I have seen countless times in the Momwell community. We are often conditioned to take on invisible labor, even from a young age—and when we become moms, that load multiplies. So many of us experience physical and mental responses to stress and burnout. And yet, we often experience medical gaslighting or dismissive conversations with doctors who insist we “just need to relax.” 

Telling moms to “just relax” doesn’t solve the problems they are facing.

Hearing this as a mom can feel extremely frustrating—we’re juggling too many responsibilities, often carrying full-time jobs along with the bulk of the load at home, and the only answer we are given is to take time for “self-care,” which often involves more invisible labor.

Amelia pointed out that not only is that advice unhelpful, but it’s also untrue. Her research has shown that attempting rest or relaxation is not the answer to managing stress—and telling moms to “just relax” doesn’t solve the problems they are facing. 

Instead, the answer centers more around understanding why we are experiencing stress in the first place and creating a protective plan to break ourselves out of the stress cycle. 

Human Giver Syndrome and How It Paves the Way for Stressed Moms

One of the concepts Amelia and Emily cover in the book is the idea of “human giver syndrome.” This idea was originally addressed by Kate Manne in the book Down Girl: The Logic of Misogyny. She theorized that the world is full of two kinds of humans: “beings” and “givers.”

The beings feel a moral obligation to be or express their humanity, while the givers feel a moral obligation to give their humanity, time, lives, and even bodies to the givers. Women are often conditioned to be the givers while men are often conditioned to be the beings. (Amelia pointed out that this exists within any power differential, where those with less power are shaped into the giving role). 

If we were all givers everyone would be cared for and protected.

Amelia said that being a giver isn’t inherently a bad thing—in fact, if we were all givers everyone would be cared for and protected because somebody would be checking up on the givers and supporting them. 

She said that being a human giver only becomes a syndrome when it’s in the context of a power dynamic where the givers place the needs of others above their own and experience guilt or feel selfish if they accept any resources for their own personal care. 

This concept of human giver syndrome aligns closely with the construct of motherhood we are currently living with—the intensive mothering ideology that tells us that moms should give all of their time, energy, and resources to their children, sacrifice their own needs in the process, and find fulfillment only in motherhood. 

When women have been conditioned from birth to fall into specific gender norms of giving, nurturing, and placing others’ needs above their own, and then start mothering in a society that reinforces the idea that “good moms” sacrifice their own needs, it sets them up for stress and burnout. 

Our real responsibility should be to make sure we don’t drain ourselves dry. 

Amelia pointed out that we all deserve care—we often feel an obligation to squeeze ourselves empty like a tube of toothpaste to be discarded. But our real responsibility should be to make sure we don’t drain ourselves dry. 

How Stressed Moms Can Start to Break Away From Social Expectations

Amelia pointed out that we don’t have to just accept human giver syndrome as our default role—there are ways we can break out of it and find the cure. 

One of those ways is to surround ourselves with a support system of people who care about our well-being as much as we care about theirs. These people can help guard us from those outside messages that tell us who we’re supposed to be and how we’re supposed to act. They can encourage us to sleep, eat, and take time for ourselves because we deserve to have our needs met. 

Another way is to start listening to our own values rather than subscribing to the outside messages about how we “should” mother. 

We often find ourselves adopting other people’s parenting advice or philosophies, believing that this must be the “right way” to parent. But it’s important to take a step back and consider what our values are—not what works for someone else. 

When we stand strong in our values, we can choose to release labor that doesn’t align with us. 

When we stand strong in our values, we can choose to release labor that doesn’t align with what is most important to us, and start breaking away from the pressure and expectations coming from outside of ourselves. 

Amelia pointed out that the support system we create can also help with this—if we surround ourselves with others who have turned away from the tide and letting go of external messages, it becomes easier to empower ourselves to do so. We can then support each other in mothering with our values and choosing our own path, letting go of the factors that are causing stress and leading us to burnout. 

Internal and External Stress Factors Moms Face

One of the first ways we can start to reduce stress in our lives is by identifying our internal and external stressors. 

External stressors are the things we have to do (and the things we are told we have to do). This can include goals that we are pressured to reach, the judgments we might receive from others, and our actual obligations. 

Internal stressors can include pain, illness, and other actual physical stress factors. Wounds or pain activate our body’s stress response and tell us that there is a threat. But we can receive that same stress response even when there isn’t a real and present threat. This includes internal stress such as worry and anxiety—our brain might be convinced there is danger even when there isn’t. 

We are mothering in a time with an unprecedented volume of external stressors. Social media and the news present horror stories, from global tragedies to school shootings to racism and sexism even within the law. 

It can be hard to cope with all of the external stressors, especially when we are in the throes of early motherhood and dealing with a world of stressors right within our own home. 

Amelia pointed out that this is the first time in history that we have had constant exposure to what’s going on around the world, and it can be overwhelming. 

While there is value in being informed, it’s also okay to put boundaries in place.

While there is value in being informed and supporting causes we believe in, it’s also okay to put boundaries in place—we don’t need to push ourselves to be fully informed and engaged on every topic all the time. It’s also important to remember that the media benefits from instilling fear—and we don’t have to engage in that all the time. 

We can choose to stick to a small list of trusted news sources and check in on a regular basis, such as once a week, instead of being tapped into news at every moment of the day. Reducing our external stressors can free up capacity and mental space that we need. 

How Getting Stuck in the “Stress Cycle” Keeps Moms in an Activated State

Amelia pointed out that when we are overwhelmed with external and internal stressors, we often find ourselves stuck in the stress cycle. We might not feel like we’re panicking or in extreme fight-or-flight, but living in a constant state of stress exhausts our bodies. 

According to polyvagal theory, there are two parts of the nervous system—the parasympathetic (the resting state) and the sympathetic (the activated state, including the fight-or-flight response). Both of these states can be protective—and we aren’t supposed to be in either all the time. 

In the stress cycle, we’re supposed to interact with a stressor, enter the sympathetic response, and return to a state of rest (for example, exercising puts healthy stress on our body, and then we rest afterward). But Amelia said that we often get stuck without a resolution, staying in the sympathetic response. 

For example, we might get angry when we’re cut off in traffic—but we can’t fight or flee, so the cycle doesn’t get completed. We might experience Mom Rage triggers in our homes or become overstimulated with noises that our bodies perceive as threats, but without that resolution, we just stay activated. 

Amelia said that biologically, this response is supposed to protect us from threats. If we came across a tiger, and we ran away and escaped, we would be able to celebrate and rest once the danger was gone and we were in a safe state. 

But in modern society, we’re not escaping and we’re not celebrating. Stressors just keep piling up and keeping us activated, leaving us feeling like we never enter the safe state. The cortisol and adrenaline that flood our bodies during the activated state don’t have anywhere to go—we never complete the stress response. 

Amelia said that our bodies will hold onto the stress until they get an opportunity to feel as if we have moved from danger to safety. That means that if we want to break out of the stress cycle, we have to find a way to complete that cycle for our bodies. 

How Moms Can Break Out of the Stress Cycle

One of the best ways to complete the cycle is physical activity—which is an effective stress reliever for many people. It takes us out of the activated state and finishes the response, putting us into the ventral or safety state. 

But Amelia pointed out that not everyone reacts to physical activity the same way. There are other ways stressed moms can break out of the cycle. 

Some other options can include cuddling your baby or hugging a trusted love one for a full 20 seconds. This gives our bodies a sense of safety and security. Creative self-expression, big belly laughs, or a good cry are other options. 

Amelia pointed out that there are also things that might not be studied by science but that work for us as individuals. She encourages everyone to take time to notice what our bodies respond to, what makes us feel safe, and what brings us out of the activated state. 

One of the simplest go-to methods for reducing stress in the moment is mindful breathing. But Amelia pointed out that this is a temporary coping mechanisms—for stressed moms, this won’t be enough by itself to combat the stress or move you through the cycle. That’s why it’s important to find other outlets that create that sense of safety.

If we want to show up for our children, we need to take care of ourselves.

We often feel that we have to be the safe place for our children, but we don’t provide that same sense of safety and security for ourselves. But if we want to show up for our children as the moms we want to be, we need to take care of ourselves, our bodies, and our overall well-being. 

The more we practice this form of real self-care for ourselves, the more we can break the stress cycle, and allow our bodies to move between states as they were intended to.

We can even take this concept directly into parenting—repairing after tough moments where we lost our cool is a way to create that sense of safety and re-establish the bond, both for ourselves and our children. 

Overall, we have to remember that we matter—our feelings, our stress levels, and our physical well-being matters. We can’t put ourselves on the backburner and expect to be okay. Instead, we need to prioritize our well-being and take time to address our needs. 

‍Working with a mom therapist can help you establish real self-care practices, manage stress, and prioritize your well-being! Book a FREE 15 minute consultation today.

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