WHAT YOU’LL LEARN

• Why Maternal Stress Isn’t an Individual Issue
• What Maternal Stress Is (and How It Impacts Moms)
• Different Stress Responses and the Factors at Play
• How the Mental Load Leads to Stressed-Out Moms
• The Myth of “Resilience” (and Why It Creates More Stress)
• How Stressed Moms Can Manage

It’s not just you—moms are under more stress than ever. We have endless expectations, increasing pressure, and an unreasonable mental and emotional load.

But we’re also expected to carry this weight in silence and never let it show. This can lead to even more stress—and keep us from identifying and addressing the factors that play a role.

Maternal stress has a real impact on our physical and mental health—and it keeps us from showing up the way we want to.

So how can we even start “managing” the stress? The answer might lie in more than breathing techniques or individual stress management.

This week on The Momwell Podcast, I’m joined by Dr. Molly Dickens, founder of the Maternal Stress Project, to discuss what leads to stressed-out moms and how we can identify the real factors and create change.

Why Maternal Stress Isn’t an Individual Issue

We often think of stress as an individual issue that should be solved independently. But when it comes to maternal stress, this individualization overlooks a big root of the problem. 

Dr. Molly pointed out that many of the stressors moms face are external, fueled by social and structural systems. She created a maternal stress map to capture this idea in a visual format. It shows potential stressors including fertility struggles, childcare issues, child safety concerns, identity conflict, the mental load, food security, financial concerns, and so much more. 

The map is complex, and a lot of it isn’t within individual control—so coping mechanisms and stress management tips only address part of the issue. Dr. Molly believes that the real solution is to recognize the factors that increase stress for moms and start advocating for large-scale support. 

If we treat stress as a personal problem, we’ll keep seeing the same cycles of burnout. 

We can’t just try to relieve our stress without addressing the bigger pieces. Even when we try to solve our individual stressors, we need to think beyond just us. We need support from partners, community, family—and we need to collectively look at maternal stress as more than just a personal challenge. 

If we continue to treat stress as a personal problem or something that moms should "just manage," we’ll keep seeing the same cycles of burnout and exhaustion.

What Maternal Stress Is (and How It Impacts Moms)

The concept of maternal stress is something many moms understand—we know that we face a world of pressure we didn’t have before we had children. Everyone experiences stressors—but maternal stress is unique. 

This stress is something that we think is just part of the role—something we have to accept. But too much stress can cause long-term harm to our health, elevating the risk of cardiovascular disease, metabolic issues, insomnia, weakened immune systems, and even depression.

Dr. Molly said that to understand stress, we need to think about it as circular. A stressor is a stimuli, challenge, or threat that causes a physiological stress response. There is an internal and external component. A stressor is not technically a stressor until it’s been internalized and triggered a response. 

Our body’s response to stress is biological—and it comes from a protective place. Dr. Molly pointed out that for our ancestors, the ability to physically and behaviorally respond to threats was vital for survival. 

The stress response is built into our bodies to be used sparingly, not all day every day. 

But she also pointed out that this ability is built into our bodies to be used sparingly, for only a short window of time. Our ancestors weren’t encountering predators over and over, all day, every day. 

Now, we’re constantly bombarded with stressors that activate our stress response. We’re seeing repeated things that our brain believes might be a lion in the bush, and we’re responding even when these “modern day lions” aren’t unsafe. 

The stress response comes from a good place—and by itself it’s perfectly healthy. It can even be beneficial to our bodies to a degree. But Dr. Molly said that when it’s pushed too far, it becomes detrimental. And for many moms, stress can feel abundant and ongoing, crossing over into that unhealthy territory. 

Different Stress Responses and the Factors at Play

We all have different stress responses and levels of tolerance for certain stressors. What feels stressful to one person might not to someone else. 

Dr. Molly said that our personality, history, memories, and life circumstances can all impact how our brain interprets stressors, either exacerbating them or mitigating them. But the maternal stress factors she had identified often interweave, creating more of a response for each individual stressor. 

For example, picture two people stuck behind a train while driving. One of them is just commuting home from work without other responsibilities waiting. The other is a busy mom on her way to pick up her child from daycare. The individual stressor impacts them very differently. 

The first person might be able to move right past the stressor. They get extra time to listen to their podcast, they aren’t experiencing a sense of urgency, and it isn’t a big deal to them. The other might start weaving all of the other stress factors in. They might think about what will happen if they are late to daycare—will their child be scared or feel abandoned? Will they have to pay a late fee they can’t afford? How will they make up for that money? Will this derail the entire evening, leading to a late dinner and late bedtime? 

Dr. Molly pointed out that our brain hasn’t adapted to perceiving getting stuck in traffic as a reason to mount a stress response—but it can trigger a response due to all of the other connecting factors at play. 

With the pressure to be a “perfect mom,” even small stressors seem bigger. 

She said that it’s often unpredictability, lack of control, and novelty that lead to increased stress responses—and motherhood comes with all of those. When coupled with societal pressures, like the pressure to be a “perfect mom,” even small stressors can feel overwhelming. 

Our bodies are wired to handle short-term stress effectively. But when it becomes chronic—when we’re in an ongoing “fight-or-flight” response, it takes a toll on our health. 

How the Mental Load Leads to Stressed-Out Moms

One of the driving forces behind maternal stress is the invisible load moms carry—the planning, organizing, anticipating, and emotional labor that comes with it. It’s the constant running checklist in our minds—who needs to be picked up from daycare, whether the fridge is stocked, how to handle an upcoming school project. 

Research shows that moms carry this labor far more than our partners. This means that we are also likely coping with more stress from even the same stressors. Our partners haven’t been socialized to take on this labor—so they might not see the cascading list of stressors. 

Our partners haven’t been socialized to see the mental load. 

For example, if dinner runs late and it derails bedtime, we might end up staying up later coping with a fussy toddler, then feeling even more rushed in the morning because of it. And we might forget the things that need to be packed, leading to our children getting upset, and ultimately triggering mom guilt. But if our partner doesn’t see that load of invisible labor, they are impacted differently. 

Dr. Molly pointed out that unrealistic social expectations placed on moms also fuel increased maternal stress. We’re expected to handle everything perfectly—childcare, housework, remembering everything, emotional labor, and sometimes a full-time job on top of it all.

She shared that studies reveal that even when moms and dads do the same cognitive tasks, they have different responses—moms are more likely to experience stress and burnout. This is likely because of the emotional labor that comes with it—including guilt and worry about the impact on children. 

Understanding the way the mental load leads to more stress matters. If we can find ways to share the mental and emotional labor, and ways to reduce the pressure to be “perfect moms,” we can potentially reduce maternal stress. 

The Myth of “Resilience” (and Why It Creates More Stress)

People who can “bounce back” from stress are often admired for their resilience. But Dr. Molly warned that resilience is not the solution to stress—and that pushing people to be “more resilient” can cause more harm than good. 

It creates an idea that if we can’t recover quickly from stress, it’s our fault. And this only adds more pressure to moms, who are already carrying unattainable expectations and standards. 

Dr. Molly said that the concept of resilience implies that stress is an individual problem that can be fixed with enough grit or willpower. But this overlooks the factors at play that allow one person to “move on” or “bounce back” while another person experiences a stress response. 

There are so many factors at play, and those factors aren’t personal strengths or flaws. What feels big, stressful, or traumatic for one person isn’t the same for others. But that doesn’t mean the people who carry stress differently are failures. 

Moms shouldn’t have to be superheroes, constantly managing stress without support.

She also pointed out the concept of resilience doesn’t help us address the systemic and social pieces that are intertwined with maternal stress. 

Moms shouldn’t have to be superheroes, constantly managing stress without support. Instead, we should focus on creating environments where moms don’t have to rely on resilience just to get through the day.

How Stressed Moms Can Manage

Just because maternal stress is driven by external factors doesn’t mean we can’t take individual actions to help reduce stress. 

Dr. Molly said that the first step to reducing stressors is outsourcing. Think about the factors and stressors, and choose even just one thing that could actually be handled by someone who isn’t you—then outsource it, whether to your partner or to a family member, friend, or even to hired support if financially reasonable. 

Consider ways you can move away from being the “default.” Maybe your partner can take on scheduling doctor’s appointments and taking off work for them. Or maybe they can become the primary parent contacted by school or daycare. 

Dr. Molly also said that we can build in stress buffers—or ways to soften how we perceive and respond to stressors. This can come from social support, like having a standing date with a friend or checking in regularly with them on the phone. 

You matter—and you shouldn’t be coping with all the stress alone. 

Your individual buffers depend on what helps you the most. For some people, this might be getting outside, exercising, being with animals, working in a garden, being away from your phone and your to-do list, or setting boundaries around social media time or the news—it can take some exploration to understand what calms your body and distracts your brain. 

Prioritizing your sleep is another great way to reduce stress. Dr. Molly pointed out that there is a relationship between sleep and stress—less sleep causes more stress, and more stress leads to less sleep. That’s why making sure you get enough quality sleep is important. If your children are still waking up at night, consider ways to share nighttime labor. 

Ultimately, remember that you matter—and that you shouldn’t be coping with all the parenting stress alone. Finding even small ways to reduce stressors and increase support can make a big difference. 

‍If you struggle with the mental load, stress, and overwhelm, working with a mom therapist can help! Book a free 15 minute consult today.